“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
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I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.