My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
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her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.