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ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
did it work
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
He took my last fry, your honor
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Generation gap…