Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
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me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.