Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
You Might Also Like
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Twitter fine art
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know