72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
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[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.