Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
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🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.