If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
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Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
When life hands you women, make women laid.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
📽️movie date🎞️
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them