Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
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Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Good advice.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.