Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
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[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
A fake ID that makes you younger
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.