ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
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My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Start the year as you intend to continue.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.