[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
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I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook