I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
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my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
(more comics:
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Pot warmers of the day.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now