The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
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I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?