that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
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Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
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