I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
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Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
what’s the point then??
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident