Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
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I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.