Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
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Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
me 2 months after i graduated
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws