I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
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*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!