Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
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“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
White Castle for the Win
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Anime is real
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.