Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
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A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.