FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
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AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
an octopus is just a wet spider
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY