My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
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Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Proctology is located in A55
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Remember folks 😂
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that