Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
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how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job