[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
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if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
do what now??
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.