We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
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in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
cat vs inanimate object
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
He-man has a Masters degree
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
What my back needs
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children