My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
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I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
no!! no!!!!!!
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.