“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
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I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”