Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
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[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
The opposite of goth is stopth.
selfie game
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.