” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
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Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
knights of the ikea table
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.