My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
You Might Also Like
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Match dot com, but for socks.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
When I said I liked it rough.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?