[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
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They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
“No way.” -Jose
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
#NeverForget
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.