Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
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Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
oh my gosh!!
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why