I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
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“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..