Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
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Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?