Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
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I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple