Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
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After 35, your body ages in dog years
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
A small tragedy.