[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
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If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.