“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
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[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what