*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
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If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
We need more people like this.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself