U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
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Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs