Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
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Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal