[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
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[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.