*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
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“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
what my late-night hot pocket sees
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Catercrombie & Fish
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.