This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
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I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.