Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
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Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.