Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
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All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.