At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
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Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Are we there yet?…
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.