Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
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Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.