My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
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Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.